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Retirement Home by ~twobefore-sunrise:icontwobefore-sunrise:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Other Romance > Open


“And we swayed
                and sashayed
          all night,”
She said lovingly
Into that acrid bone
      “And he left me there,
bleeding on the dance floor
in 1943”


     She sighed
and slighted that swastika
          that marred her;
    starred her.

“But I know he loved me.
                I know it.”

    Breathe.


“I know it.”
©2006-2009 ~twobefore-sunrise
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Submitted: May 1, 2006
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those betrayed by the homefront
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Comments


~LazyLinePainterJohn:iconLazyLinePainterJohn: May 1, 2006, 12:24:40 PM
Powerful stuff, there. Extremely good in the sparing use of language, of rhyme, of enjambment. Great word use, too: sashayed, acrid, slighted. "Breathe" comes perfectly. And you actually make italics work to a purpose. How completely wonderful this is.
~twobefore-sunrise:icontwobefore-sunrise: May 1, 2006, 5:11:42 PM
aww! thank you. i'm so glad you liked it!
~selfishlyconscious:iconselfishlyconscious: May 2, 2006, 11:58:56 AM
Wonderful. I have to echo John. The way you have arranged the words really compliments the subject.
~relativecosmicmusing:iconrelativecosmicmusing: May 3, 2006, 8:31:38 AM
powerfully simple ... "sashayed" - great word choice ... i love the alliteration this is sprinkled with ... excellent!

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`lovetodeviate:iconlovetodeviate: May 5, 2006, 8:45:33 AM
I agree with everyone who has commented before. I didn't like one little bit though because the two 'that's jarred, I thought.

She sighed
and slighted
the swastika that marred her;

It's only a suggestion. I really enjoyed the poem otherwise. I loved 'marred' and 'starred'.


(Oh dear, I said 'jarred'. Ha ha.)

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~twobefore-sunrise:icontwobefore-sunrise: May 5, 2006, 8:00:39 PM
hmmmm i like that idea! i'm gonna try it, so tell me what you think.
`lovetodeviate:iconlovetodeviate: May 6, 2006, 12:19:23 AM
Wonderful!

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